Photography by Peter Stigter

10 Beauty Products With Names So Sexy They’re Basically NSFW

Date February 3, 2017

You know what’s sexy? Suggestively-named (*wink*) beauty products. At least according to the companies that make them.

And who says they’re wrong? Who says that tossing on Essie’s “After Sex” nail polish following a generous application of Soap & Glory’s Glow Job lotion isn’t the making of Valentine’s Day magic? Maybe OCC’s “Hoochie” and “NSFW” Lip Tar can truly help us bring our sexy dreams to light. Perhaps even enough BareMineral’s “Sex Kitten” eyeshadow can help us channel our own inner sex ki– no. I can’t. I can’t do this. Nothing about this is sexy at all.

I mean, how can it be? Ever since 30 Rock’s Jenna Maroney told Liz her signature lip colour was Tiger Orgasm, we officially reached maximum (beauty product-oriented) sexiness. (Just like we reached maximum Halloween-oriented sexiness when Jenna suggested dressing up as a Slutty Ear — which, for the record, is a shade of blush I would buy.)

After all, as grown-ass women we know the name of a product isn’t going to guarantee or deliver sexy results. And we also know that we’re entitled to wear whatever we want, and that anybody who doesn’t feel comfortable with our lipstick, eyeliner, or whatever else can quietly and calmly bury themselves in sand. But most importantly, we know these products aren’t serious about trying to entice customers. They can’t be. You can’t tell somebody your favourite lipstick shade is “69” like it’s a glimpse into your sex life, or scandalize the masses by using a nail polish called “Between the Sheets.” Frankly, theres’s nothing shocking about wearing makeup.

So what to make of this “sexy beauty product name” thing? Well, aside from taking Salt-n-Pepa’s advice and talking about sex, we’ve obviously hit a point where marketing and wit have ultimately become one.

Or so we’d like to think. To determine whether or not these names are actually effective, here are 10 of the biggest sexy-time-inspired beauty products, their names, what they do, and whether some of us (hello) would buy them. RIP Tiger Orgasm.

1/10

beauty products sexy names

NARS blush in “Orgasm” and “Super Orgasm”

If the latter was the name of a new Marvel hero, I would throw them my cash. And in related news, trust me when I say no blush ever will cause what these names alludes to.

($35, sephora.com)

2/10

beauty products sexy names

Smashbox
O-GLOW Intuitive Cheek Color

Alright, yep: like the Super Orgasm Illuminator, but in fewer syllables. Can you guys handle it? I can, because we all blush in the presence of Oprah.

($35, sephora.com)

3/10

beauty-products-sexy-names-4

Essie nail polish in “After Sex”

So, like…chipped, maybe? Or just …there? Present? “Nail polish that stays on your nails.” And it’s burgundy, so now I’m really lost.
($8, at drugstores)

4/10

beauty products sexy names

bareMinerals eye shadow in “Sex Kitten”

I don’t believe cats should wear eye shadow or any makeup and I’m sorry.

($16, sephora.com)

5/10

beauty products sexy names

Soap and Glory Glow Job Daily Radiance Moisture Lotion

I see what you did there! Like a different kind of job*, but alluding to moisturized skin. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Soap and Glory.

(*A “row job.” From that scene in The Social Network.)

($25, soapandglory.com)

6/10

beauty products sexy names

Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics Lip Tar in “Hoochie”
Is the term, “hoochie” being used in conjunction with lyrics from an S Club 7 song? Because if so, sold.

($10 USD, occmakeup.com)

7/10

Beauty products sexy names

Deborah Lippmann nail polish in “Between the Sheets”

It’s the only place I paint my nails, so congratulations on knowing your audience, Deb.

($20, at Holt Renfrew)

8/10

beauty products sexy names

Too Faced “Better Than Sex” mascara

A good mascara is arguably much better than sex based on principle, since anybody who’s braved bad mascara knows few things are worse.

($30, sephora.com)

9/10

beauty products sexy names

Super-Colour Sexy Mother Pucker Lip Plumping Gloss in “Half Naked”

All of us are exactly what this pun alludes to, so its brilliance cancels out the fact that most of us probably don’t equate half nakedness to a dark pink. (Or maybe we do. Either way, the pun trumps all.)

($15, soapandglory.com)

10/10

beauty products sexy names

Urban Decay Lipstick Stash in “Full Frontal”

Calm down. (But since this actually refers to one’s face — or so we’ll assume — points for the play on words, and yes I will take these off your hands and wear them, thanks.)

($39, urbandecay.com)