Girls Recap: Virginity! Cheating! STDs! A gay ex boyfriend! We discuss the sex problems brought on by episode 3
Girls Problem: Hannah does not get what dressing sexy or even “scarily hot slash amazing” is about.
Hannah, no matter what you read from an airport book kiosk self-help shelf, it’s not about wearing the shortest thing you own, or fishnets or pounding on the smokey eye. She’s clearly a rookie at sex-then-sleepover makeup, because otherwise she’d know that you cannot wear that much eye stuff without looking like a zombie the next morning.
Ten years from now: Hannah will have nicer underwear, and someone nicer to wear them for. Also, she’ll have figured out that putting on his T-shirt after sex rather than a cropped hoodie will hide any areas she doesn’t feel like having available for prodding, because trust us, in ten years she’ll have more areas she’d like to hide than she does now. (We’re not saying she’s going to gain weight, we’re just saying gravity is often unkind when you hit your 30s.)
Girls Problem: Hannah has an STD, and knows nothing about STDs.
When Hannah learns she has HPV, there are 10 seconds where we think Adam is actually capable of sweetness. But the spell is broken when Hannah lashes out at him. It seems natural she’d assume he gave it to her, but when we apply our Psych 101 training (really just a book we read in an airport) we wonder if there’s a reason she chose to spazz rather than accept comfort? We’ll have to wait for our next session to explore that further. But let’s analyze Hannah’s reaction to getting HPV in the meantime. Of course she calls her best friend first, but don’t Marnie’s tears seem almost fake? How can the same girl that glared at her boyfriend for shaving his head to show solidarity with a cancer-suffering co-worker cry because her friend has a non-life-threatening STD? Hmm. Unfortunately, she’s just as clueless as Hannah about HPV, thinking Hannah will be condemned to childlessness. Oddly enough, the person who does school Hannah on HPV is resident virgin Shoshanna—those who can’t do, teach! Last bone of contention: for someone who is quick to Google about the stuff that gets up around the side of condoms, why wouldn’t Hannah go on a Google binge for HPV?
Ten years from now: Our girl will hopefully keep up with the policy of wrap it before you tap it.
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