Girls Recap: Hannah heads home to Michigan to ditch her parents, date a pharmacist and blame everyone else for her boredom
Last week we saw what was hopefully the final nail in the coffee table that was Charlie and Marnie’s chemistry-free relationship. There was also Hannah quitting her job after an ill-fated attempt at a workplace affair and subsequent lawsuit threat, and Jessa exploring her unsmotability while Shoshanna watched on in horror. This week we’ve left behind the mess of the big city to go to Michigan, so Hannah can celebrate her parents’ anniversary with them. Of course, her selfishness tarnishes the lovely weekend that her parents have planned. Hannah thinks that her boredom is a byproduct of hanging out with her parents and being in her old hometown, but really it’s the result of spending so much time thinking about herself. Who wouldn’t be bored with only one thing to think about constantly? Lucky for us, watching Hannah self-obsess isn’t boring, especially when it involves a pre-date pep talk in front of the mirror.
Ditch your parents on their anniversary and read on! »
Girls Problem: Hannah needs rent money or Marnie will freak.
Since she gave her job away because she didn’t want a breast massage every day, Hannah is now living out of a garbage bag. Don’t worry, that’s actually just her luggage! I found the garbage bag luggage unbelievable because I once witnessed someone trying to do that on a low-rent flight from Toronto to Vancouver and the airline wouldn’t let them. (There may also have been a dead chicken in the guy’s bag, but I am pretty sure it was the garbage bag that was the main issue.) Hannah’s parents are oblivious to her low-rent Anita Hill-ing against workplace harassment, so she has to lie and say work is fine and boring. I guess it’s hard to bring up that you need money when your dad is calling you his best friend. Despite textual harassment from Marnie, Hannah still can’t break down and tell her parents. Even at the end of her last night when her mom offers some monetary help Hannah can’t bring herself to break the pride spell her mother is under.
Ten Years From Now: Hannah doesn’t seem to aspire to be good with money so while she will be financially stable enough to pay her rent, we’re pretty sure she still won’t have the foresight to buy her parents a nice anniversary present.
Girls Problem: You’re bored at your parents’ house and experiencing a big case of FOMO. (That is, Fear Of Missing Out.)
Of the five people Hannah has as Favourites on her iPhone, two are already downstairs—so that doesn’t leave a lot of options for who to have a boredom convo with. Of the three that are left, Marnie is a no go because she just texted to ask if Hannah has rent money; Jessa doesn’t seem like the type to like long chats since she doesn’t even know what text messages are; so of course that just leaves dialing Adam and hanging up before he answers. That task complete, Hannah drops the phone and goes to the fridge for some boredom binging.
Ten Years From Now: Going home to see her folks won’t leave Hannah hiding in her Museum of Adolescence bedroom. Hopefully her mother will have that lake house she screamed about in the first episode and Hannah can hide out in a hammock instead.
Mom Problem: Hannah’s mom is having major hot flashes.
Menopause sounds like the worst. Just seeing Hannah’s mom aggressively shake Hannah awake and demand her hormone (or whatever) prescription like her body is about to combust makes me appreciate my period in a way I never thought possible. Then, when we find out from the pharmacist that she’ll also need a dose of lube we almost made a later-in-life suicide pact. And then we get the joy of seeing Hannah’s mom forego said lube and instead have “wet and wild” sex in the shower. Nice to know that those pills don’t make your boobs fall off or anything, because I was starting to worry some other shoe was going to drop.
Ten Years From Now: How long does menopause last? If she’s still having hot flashes 10 years from now, I just want to know why menopause isn’t regularly used as an excuse in murder trials.
Girls Problem: Hannah’s former bestie is delusional about her future.
We’ve all witnessed a friend have some kind of misguided goal for fame or fortune. Who didn’t know someone in high school that was taking “modeling classes”? Heather, Hannah’s high school best friend, thinks she’s going to be a professional dancer. After seeing her lip sync and shimmy to a song that essentially seems to sexualize a girl who was either murdered or died of alcohol poisoning on vacation, we see why Hannah would complain to the pharmacist that her friend is in for a depressing reality in Hollywood. But what do you do in these cases? For all Hannah knows she could be just as brutal in the writing department as Heather is at dancing. Perhaps this is why she opts to keep her nose unstuck from the situation?
Ten Years From Now: With the way reality TV is going, it seems like every failed dancer will end up with at least five seconds of screen time on a show like Millionaire Matchmaker. Say hi to Patti for us!
Girls Problem: The nostalgia hookup.
I can’t remember the name of the pharmacist that Hannah went to high school with but because he looks like the fourth member of Hanson, that shall be his new name. Just like Hannah corrected Charlie about the nuances of journal vs. notebook, she corrects Hanson that her old column was “Holla at Hannah” not “Holler at Hannah.” This is funny because post–high school Hannah is the Urban Dictionary definition of a holla back girl. Hannah agrees to go on a date with Hanson and ditches the anniversary dinner she was flown out to attend, justifying this decision as a way to learn what it’s like to be treated properly before it’s too late. The date consists of a slice of cheap pizza and beer at a makeshift fundraiser, but Hanson is attentive and lets Hannah shine, unlike Adam who is less encouraging when she rambles. Hannah’s mirror pep talk seems to come true and she is just naturally more interesting and the worst stuff she says sounds better than the best stuff he says, though this may be just because he’s a boring pharmacist. The two have zero chemistry but Hannah gamely gives it a go. We’re assuming this is the last we’ll see of the guy, because like Hannah’s mom says, he doesn’t have much fire burning under his ass.
Ten Years From Now: Hannah will go into the pharmacy under the guise of picking up a pack of pantyhose but it’s really to check out how her past hookup is holding up. We’re guessing he’ll have married a nice florist.
Dad Problem: Your daughter ditches your anniversary dinner but you still worry about her.
It’s clear Dad has spoiled Hannah, turning her into the entitled, self-obsessed person we’re getting to know. He tells Mom (I find it weird that Hannah’s parents refer to each other as Mom and Dad when talking about each other to Hannah, but I am a child of divorce so maybe I’m cynical) that he wonders at what point Hannah is going to realize she’s not going to get to be the person she wants to be? We’re guessing this means a celebrated writer. While Dad is always Hannah’s champion to her face, he’s clearly hiding serious doubts. And while Mom always appears to be hard on her daughter, it seems that cutting her off was an attempt to help, not hinder. Parents are complicated, too! Perhaps then it’s karma that Dad slips and falls during sex in the shower while Mom remains unscathed. His punishment is the awkwardness of getting helped to bed (naked!), post–sex injury, by his daughter.
Ten Years From Now: It will always be Dad who Hannah calls first (she has his number, not her mom’s, under Favourites) but she’ll be more excited to impress Mom with her future accomplishment.
Girls Problem: The last guy you had sex with has altered the way you have sex.
Since Hannah spends most of her time in bed with Adam trying to figure out what he wants, rather than getting off, she falls into the same pattern with this guy, assuming he would want what Adam likes. We’re not treated to any post-coital chit chat, so no word on whether Hanson’s pharmacy gig means he has the good Gatorade.
Ten Years From Now: Honestly, we see much more bad sex in Hannah’s future. But we think Hannah is going to be fine with that as she’ll see it as something to write about.
Girls Problem: Your ex calls you when you’re in the middle of trying to get over him—by sleeping with another guy.
Ugggh, Adam! Just when Hannah thought she was out, you pull her back in. Okay, there’s no way Hannah thought she was out from under Adam’s thumb, but we wanted to spin that Godfather quote because everyone else does at some point. When Hannah tells Adam about her pharmacist sex just like she told him last ep about almost doing her boss, we see a pattern for attention-getting forming. When she mentions the guy’s apartment is twice the size of Adam’s, it’s not a dig, but it does show she was doing some comparing between the two dudes. Dressed in what looks like what those Glo Worm toys wear, Hannah leaves her Goo Goo Dolls poster–covered room and chats with Adam outside as though she can’t be her New York self surrounded by her past. When Adam says he misses her she lights up just like, well, a Glo Worm.
Ten Years From Now: Hannah will be better at flaunting rebound sex in an ex’s face because she’ll have written about it enough to know how best to exaggerate.
Girls airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. on HBO Canada. Tune in for our recap next week, when we’re sure the girls of Girls will be back by Hannah’s side helping her figure out what to do about Adam when she should be figuring out how to make rent.
