Fashion

Sookie confessed to Alcide about killing Debbie, Tara was frying herself to death, Bill and Eric had trust sex with Salome and Pam flashed back to a 1905 night of lovemaking and wrist-slashing with Eric. This week, there are no flashbacks (would’ve liked to see the fall out from Pam’s change), sex (boo!) or much bloodsucking, but there are friendship necklaces, a Lohan-level car crash and a drunken make-out (yes!)—it all evens out.

Stuntin’ Like My Daddy
- Sookie screeches a plaintive sorry as Alcide screeches out in his truck; Lafayette spazzes at her for spilling the murder beans even though she didn’t mention him, and calls her the “angel of death” for all the death fall out her actions cause.
- Sookie barges in on Jason and confesses to killing Debbie Pelt; he tells her to keep quiet and lay low, there’s no way he’s putting his sister behind bars.
- Jason is way more upset at Sookie for turning Tara into a vampire and as he gives her a major you-done-wrong lecture Jessica pops up to weigh in on what’s going on (and as promised, she’s in sweats for their slumber party).
- At work, hearing everyone at Merlotte’s brains calling her an awful person makes Sookie freak out and hide in Sam’s lodge office.
- Lafayette has clearly not cooled on his anger at Sooks. His shirt has “Eternity” bedazzled on it, and he’s clearly thinking of doing something eternal. He goes all brujo on her cute little yellow Honda and turns it into an evil Herbie the Love Bug.
- Sookie narrowly does the stunt roll out of her car before it crashes into a pole on its own evil accord—Lindsay Lohan is clearly going to use this story the next time (and we’re certain there’ll be one) she crashes her Porsche.

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So last week we totally thought Eric and Bill were both going to meet the true death at the hands of the Authority, and Tara was going to kill Sookie and Lafayette and the show would just be about Pam, Sam and Terry the rest of the season. No, we did not think that at all, but that’s basically the gist of episode two’s danger scale. Will anyone die this week? Nope, but there is lots of sex, which is way better.

Roman’s Empire
- Back at the bloodsucker boardroom, the chancellors loudly debate what to do with Bill and Eric for not ending Edgington. That little kid chancellor makes us think of those Frosted Mini Wheats commercials where adults who love fibre turn into kids who love sugar—his suit should fit too big or something.
- Roman kicks the squabblers out and gives a speech about Russell being a martyr that will give the Sanguinista movement more momentum, so he needs to be stopped.
- Bill promises to catch Russell or die trying (Eric is, uh, silent). Roman dismisses them for his next meeting with the “new Nan Flan” who is… Steve Newlin. Who else would it be?
- Roman and Steve talk strategy. Steve thinks humans will buy anything he sells. Roman puts his cockiness in check: they’re not just talking meat, they’re vamp ancestors. More talk of Sanguinistas bad, Authority good. We feel like we could teach a theology course on vampires by this point: The Rise of Modern Vampirism.

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Are you guys ready for a super summer of supes and Sookie? If you had a hard time following last night, you could read last season’s finale recap to clear up some of the “huh?” moments. Or, here’s a summation in one long-winded breath: Sookie came back from the fae world and fell for an amnesic Eric, but ultimately chose to be with neither him nor King Bill Compton after saving them both from being burned alive by the lonely witch Marnie who, after sharing her body with the ancient witch spirit Antonia, took over Lafayette’s body and stole the brujo powers of his boyfriend Jesus, leaving his dead body to be discovered by Tara who continued on her path of resident victim by getting shot in the head when she got in the way of the bullet Alcide Hervaux’s V-addicted were-ex Debbie Pelt meant for Sookie. And, breathe. There was also some stuff with Jason, Hoyt, Jessica, Sam, Sheriff Bellefleur, Arlene and Terry, but we’ll catch you up as we go.

Let’s turn! (get it?) »

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In the penultimate episode we saw the Fangtastic Four and part-fae Sookie kill Marnie, though they were as yet unawares she’s now inhabiting Lafayette. Marcus got his neck snapped by Alcide, who then abjured Debbie (a.k.a were-speak for “never going to see you again”), Andy had sex with a faery, and Jason seemed to make peace with wanting Jessica.

Breakfast With Old Friends
-Sookie is in her PJs pouring coffee for her and Tara and having a flashback to Gran’s dead body on the kitchen floor from season one (in the name of subtle foreshadowing).
-Sookie tells Tara about Marnie channelling Gran at the Moon Goddess Emporium and says that she feels like Gran’s spirit is here hanging around.
-They have an International Delights–worthy chat about growing old together as friends.
-Lafayette and Jesus are having breakfast, but that’s not Lafayette! It’s Marnie in there under those orange track pants and a white satin chinoiserie robe.
-When Jesus realizes it isn’t Lafayette he’s kissing, Marnie stabs him in the hand with a fork.
-Next thing she’s got Jesus taped to what looks to be the ugliest blue plastic chair; we have doubts Lafayette would ever own such a thing.
-Marnie is talking about sacrifice to Jesus and cuts Lafayette with a knife to show she’s serious. She wants Jesus’s magic for herself.
-To stop her from hurting Lafayette, Jesus turns into the brujo with the crazy face, and Marnie stabs him and licks the blood and turns into a brujo herself (but still in LaLa’s body).
-Tara shows up at Lafayette and Jesus’s. She’s wearing disturbingly light denim jeans, a chambray shirt, and a peach tank top. She looks like she should be hanging out in Santa Cruz in the early ’80s.
-Uh oh, the door is ajar. She sees a stabbed Jesus in the chair. Dead. Screams.
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It’s the time of the season for fighting and all hell to break loose: the witches and vamps got into it in the cemetery, with Sookie getting shot and Eric getting captured by Antonia; Hoyt and Jessica broke up; and a Possessed Lafayette kidnapped Mikey.

Hostage Crisis
-Hoyt’s alarm is cock-a-doodling, and the house is a mess of empty Budweiser tall boys and half-empty whisky bottles.
-After discovering a Taylor Swift CD he packs up Jessica’s stuff (including a copy of Twilight, natch) and puts it in a box marked “For you, Monster.” We love that Hoyt calls names like a kindergartner.
-Possessed Lafayette enters with Mikey and forces Hoyt out at gunpoint, saying it’s his house.
-Arlene (whose camo track pants thankfully survived the fire) is crying to Officer Jason about Mikey’s abduction. Terry is going off the deep end and Andy needs him some V when Hoyt calls Jason with news.
-Andy and Jason show up at Hoyt’s, and when they confront Possessed Lafayette he shoots at Andy.
-Jesus arrives on the scene and explains to the spirit she’s dead and that’s not her baby; she doesn’t believe him until she discovers she has a penis. Awkward.
-They burn some sage (and Jesus drinks a shot of Hoyt’s leftover booze) and flashback to the spirit Mavis’s demise at the hands of her lover.
-Possessed Lafayette gives back the baby and asks for forgiveness; Terry says it’s no problem, and these crazy things happen. Terry might wear yellow aviators, but he’s still capable of seeing nut-job antics through rose-coloured glasses.
- Hoyt digs up the remains of Mavis and her baby in his backyard for Possessed Lafayette to cuddle.
-Jesus chants and Lafayette turns golden and light shoots from him like the video for The Jacksons‘ “Can You Feel It”—we can’t believe it doesn’t start playing as everyone watches agape as Mavis exits Lafayette’s body.
-She says goodbye and thanks, and Lala’s like, “You got it, bitch.” Oh, Lafayette.

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