FASHION Magazine

By Leah Rumack

The bird stole my breadbasket. I think my celebrity trainer told him to do it.

“Good birdie!” I call out after him, as he flies off with the wickedly tempting bounty of refined carbohydrates. I’m seated in a beautiful open-air restaurant with a thatched roof, overlooking the pristine white sands and shocking blue skies of Punta Mita, Mexico. I’m here to become fit and slender and gorgeous in four days, and I’ll be damned if a crusty bun is going to stop me.

I’m a day early for a fitness retreat with L.A. trainer Ashley Borden, she of Mandy Moore and Christina Aguilera skinniness fame. She runs this retreat every other month at this isolated, superluxe Four Seasons—voted one of the 10 best resorts in Mexico, Central and South America by Travel + Leisure last year—about an hour and a world away from the chattering tourist freak show that is Puerto Vallarta. Here, it’s all crashing waves and airy casitas tucked behind endless tropical foliage. I think I feel healthier already.

On arrival, the front desk instantly hands me a protein shake. “Would you like us to take that to your room for you, miss?” they offer.

But once Borden arrives, there are no more breadbaskets brought to the table, and no more illusions about beach lounging that also miraculously tones abs. A wisecracking, dirty-talking Nice Jewish Girl from L.A., she has designed everything from our workout schedule to every single one of our meals. The entire staff has been alerted, our mini-bars have been emptied out, and if we call room service, they call her and tell on us. The three other participants and I—groups are limited to about six—don’t stand a chance.

“A lot of people go away on vacation and come back feeling worse,” Borden tells us over sea bass and salad on the first night, describing how she came up with the inspiration for the workout/vacation. “Like, ‘I just ate my way through Mexico.’ I never got that. I always made little boot camps for myself.”

We look stricken. “This isn’t a boot camp!” she assures us. “It’s the idea of coming and just surrendering yourself. You don’t have to think; you just show up. I developed it around what my fantasy would be.” She pauses. A glob of something on the side of her plate catches her eye. “Is that mayonnaise?” she asks, horrified. “Should I go to the kitchen and be a psycho?”

Borden says she doesn’t focus on weight loss but rather measurements—she makes me pull down my pants so she can accurately size up my hips—and core strength, using elements of a popular-in-L.A. technique called LIST Balance System, an overall strength- and balance-training regimen involving pulleys, balls and a series of Pilates-style moves.

We tuck into bed early because Borden is making us get up at 7 a.m. the next day for a power shake—“Just chug it and get back into bed,” she says in response to our collective begging to move up the time—with our first hour-long cardio session of the day scheduled for 8 a.m.

All week long, we do an hour of cardio in the morning, either in the resort’s gym—where the staff hands us chilled towels and bottles seemingly constantly—or speed walking around the grounds. We then do a yoga or LIST session for an hour, followed by more cardio in the late afternoon. In between, we can partake of two included spa sessions or, for added fees, go horseback riding along the beach, snorkelling or scuba diving.

The first thing I learn from my own personal celebrity trainer is that I’ve been a big sissy my entire workout career. On Day One, she hands out Nike heart rate monitors, and when she calculates my target heart rate for weight loss, it is actually 145 beats per minute (BPMs), as opposed to the toddling along 126 I’d thought it was supposed to be based on the antiquated charts on the YMCA wall.

The other thing I learn from my own personal celebrity trainer (I do so enjoy saying that) is that you have to eat a lot to lose weight and that carbs aren’t the enemy. She practically stuffs us every three hours on the hour, to keep our blood sugar constant and stop cravings for inappropriate goodies.

First, there is the oppressively early power shake, then a massive breakfast of oatmeal, an egg white omelette and steamed veggies—I can say this with some authority now, but egg white omelettes, even at the Four Seasons, lack a certain je ne sais quoi—then lunch, a snack, dinner and another before-bedtime snack. Every meal comes with custom-made mini-menus that feature pictures of waterfalls, bridges and sunsets. “Dairy is the devil’s handiwork” is Borden’s quick answer as to why there is no cheese all week. We always start with a big salad, then move on to portion-appropriate goodness like grilled chicken with mango and vegetable couscous or a curried tuna sandwich (mayo-free, of course) on whole wheat bread. Sometimes, I’m even allowed a splash of guacamole.

“No athlete would ever tell you to eat carb-free,” says Borden emphatically. “It’s just the kinds of carbs you eat and when you eat them.” (Dinner, for example, is always a no-carb zone.) Snacks are berry salads.

A guy from the next table leans over. “Oh, just enjoy your vacation!” he says. “You guys have been talking about carbs since you got here. There’s Snickers bars in my room at 3…”

We give him dirty looks. Snickers. As if.

For two nights in a row, however, our resolve is tested as the restaurant lays out probably the most fantastic “theme” buffets—one night Italian, one night Mexican—I’ve ever seen. “I’m just going to look,” I promise my comrades. “Go ahead. Torture yourself,” says Borden.

Oh, glorious fajitas, beautiful prosciutto, truffle risotto, how I love thee. I go back to the table and dutifully eat my salmon.

But by the end of a mere four days, I have lost two pounds and about a quarter-inch all round. The most important thing I learned is this: If you can face the fajita bar and Italian night at a luxe resort and still calmly, quietly and (almost) happily munch away at your baked fish and greens, you can do anything. Especially if it’s at the Four Seasons.

For more on Ashley Borden’s fitness retreats, visit ashleyborden.com. For LIST, visit karllist.com, and for the Four Seasons Punta Mita, fourseasons.com/puntamita.

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