True Blood Recap: We’re back with another season of hilarious vamp (and werewolf and witch) wardrobe suggestions including Pam’s cat pyjamas and Lafayette’s bury-ready sweater!
Are you guys ready for a super summer of supes and Sookie? If you had a hard time following last night, you could read last season’s finale recap to clear up some of the “huh?” moments. Or, here’s a summation in one long-winded breath: Sookie came back from the fae world and fell for an amnesic Eric, but ultimately chose to be with neither him nor King Bill Compton after saving them both from being burned alive by the lonely witch Marnie who, after sharing her body with the ancient witch spirit Antonia, took over Lafayette’s body and stole the brujo powers of his boyfriend Jesus, leaving his dead body to be discovered by Tara who continued on her path of resident victim by getting shot in the head when she got in the way of the bullet Alcide Hervaux’s V-addicted were-ex Debbie Pelt meant for Sookie. And, breathe. There was also some stuff with Jason, Hoyt, Jessica, Sam, Sheriff Bellefleur, Arlene and Terry, but we’ll catch you up as we go.
The Hardy Boys 2.0
– When we enter the episode, Bill is leaving his best I’m-skipping-town message for Jessica while Eric cleans up the remains of Nan Flanagan and her minions in five seconds flat. (Reminder: Bill and Eric killed her last season when she announced she’d left The Vampire Authority, and threatened Sookie’s safety.)
– Almost immediately, they are captured by the all-knowing authority who then proceed to blast Wings (Mad Men had The Beatles, True Blood has Wings) while the twosome is stuck in their trunk.
– Bill and Eric hatch a MacGyver-worthy escape using an umbrella, some gas and some good old-fashioned vampire strength (they must not have had gum, paperclips and string).
– They blow up the car, but not the two vamp guards. In a twist, Eric’s “sister” Nora is one of the officers in the car, and she and Eric go to slow-mo first base by way of reintroduction. How does Eric manage to make incest—even though they’re not really related—look hot?
– Bill’s face: not impressed!
FrankenTara
– Last season ended with a cliffhanger: Tara got shot taking a bullet for Sookie, and we see it all happen again from another angle: Sookie arrives home, Debbie pulls out her musket and shoots at her and Tara intercepts the bullet with her head.
– As Sookie and Lafayette cradle Tara and cry, Pam shows up looking for Eric but is begged to turn Tara instead. Pam, in her amazing way, warns that Tara’s missing brainage means she may not function properly when undead. It’s True Blood (and it’s Tara) so we’re sure this plan is not going to go well.
– Pam dons some killer pastel kittens-in-daisies sweats to go to ground with Tara for her change.
-While Tara ferments, Lafayette drinks and Sookie rolls Debbie up in a shower curtain.
– Sookie and Lafayette head to his place to dispose of body #2: Jesus. The body is gone. This understandably freaks Lafayette out. He tries to summon his dead boyfriend’s spirit but he doesn’t get any reception. Instead, his words sound like the beginnings of a Bone Thugs-N-Harmony song.
– In her post–body disposal shower, Sookie flashes back to being saved from schoolyard bullies by Tara. While she thinks back to all the verbal bullets Tara has taken for her in the past, we wonder if the child actors’ voices are actually the adults’ voices auto-tuned.
– Lafayette is doing the Lady MacBeth thing and trying to get the blood off his hands. He takes a bath and zeros in on Sookie’s lady shaver and we get the suicide music score.
Pam’s guide to cat sweater chic
While Pam does not take kindly to wearing a sweatsuit that looks like what Angela from The Office would wear on weekends, she’d definitely be into an edgier kitty top like this one from Markus Lupfer ($430, net-a-porter.com).
Can’t Container Our Feelings
– Nora tells Bill and Eric she was going to save them anyways, and they talk about how the Authority is more out of touch than Hall & Oates.
– She’s arranged for Bill and Eric to live new lives, but they can’t ever go back to Bon Temps again. They don’t seem too concerned by this.
– No one in the Authority knows Nora is related to Eric, so they’re safe to hole up in a shipping container. Or at least, Eric and Nora have some reunited-sibling sex in the shipping container as Bill waits outside. If the container’s a rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’!
– Eric takes a time out from getting to know his sister to answer his untraceable cell. It’s Alcide breaking the news that Russell Edgington is on the loose. As some kind of confirmation (we’re assuming), we see a body slide into a grimy room elsewhere.
Nora’s guide to breaking out/making out with your brother
You don’t want anything to get caught on flying silver chains or wooden stakes when getting your clothes off in a rusty container so opt for a clean, collarless jacket in the vamp shade of choice: black. A little peplum on a leather jacket ($264, asos.com) is right on trend.
Daytime TV Confessions
– Jessica’s done the sex-and-dash with Jason, who now answers the door to a vampire Reverend Steve Newlin with his fang twin hard-ons.
– Steve does the wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing thing and gets Jason let him into his house.
– The reverend has a confession and it’s worthy of Sally Jessy Raphael’s daytime days: He wasn’t upset Jason slept with his wife Sarah, he’s just a “gay vampire American!”
– Jason does his best to let Steve down easy and says: “This dog don’t bark that way.” Poor guy spent all last season getting raped; now what?
– Steve doesn’t take it easily and is about to pounce on Jason when Little Red Just Riding Jason (a.k.a. Jessica) blows down the door and huffs and puffs the wolf away by saying Jason is hers (yes, we’re mixing up a bunch of wolf-centric nursery rhymes, but whatevs).
– They have crisis-averted sex, because it’s True Blood and that’s the go-to cure for PTSD.
Lemonade (I Don’t Under)Stand
-Alcide is at the door and Sookie (in a bright blue Henley!) directs him into the living room, where he won’t smell the blood of his ex with his super werewolf nose.
– The two share some lemonade. He’s there to tell her Russell Edgington has broken out of his cement prison, where Eric and Bill put him instead of killing him like they told Sookie they did. Bet she’s glad she ditched those liars.
– Alcide wants Sookie to stay with him, but she hesitates. He thinks it’s because of that talk they had just the day before in Merlotte’s (reminder: he told her he wanted to be with her), but really it’s because she’s feeling guilty about killing Debbie.
– Sookie’s about to confess to Alcide when Lafayette bursts down the stairs interrupting her in a luscious Intarsia sweater and shaved head (that’s what he used the lady razor for guys, not to get all wrist slit-y).
– LaLa tells Alcide to take his supernatural ass out of their lives and Sookie sheepishly agrees.
Sookie’s guide to lady Henleys
It should be bright and colouful like this J. Crew Henley ($42, jcrew.com), because it needs to coordinate with yellow dish gloves for when you inevitably need to clean up another body.
Cherry Bombshell
– Jason and Sheriff Bellefleur are at Merlotte’s eating fried pickles or whatever and Jason is sad Hoyt broke up with him over Jessica, but Hoyt (a.k.a. Bubba) won’t take him back.
– Jason shows up at Jessica’s (she’s at Bill’s because she’s pretty much the queen while he’s away)—she’s got the local sorority and frat kids over for a game of quarters and is wearing a hot mini-dress, lush red lips and weird green streaks in her hair.
– When Jessica doesn’t invite him in he crashes anyway and wedges himself between two coeds: Cammy (in a cami of course) and Trish.
-They all sing The Runaways’ “Cherry Bomb” (oh the irony, since Jessica’s a perma-virgin) on Guitar Hero.
– Jason realizes he’s competing for Jessica’s affections with the Ken doll–looking frat guy and exits with Cammy on his back.
– He doesn’t go home with her though, because he’s trying to be a good guy despite them “rockin’ so hard” at the party and her having a stomach that’s flatter than his.
Jessica’s guide to impressing college coeds
She opts for a body con dress in a look-at-me bright floral print from Free People. The red colour she picked isn’t available, but there’s an equally attention-grabbing one in black and pink still up for grabs ($41, freepeople.com)—green streaks not included (thankfully).
Never Cry Wolf
– Having put his brother Tommy in the ground and celebrated Halloween with his staff all in one day in the season finale, Sam is now surrounded outside his trailer by naked people/wolves that suspect he killed their pack leader (his girlfriend Luna’s ex, Marcus).
– He evades them by taking the form of a bird and flying into the moonlight.
– He shows up nude on Luna’s doorstep while she is still dressed for the funeral (she wore that to go trick or treating with Emma?), to tell her the bad news about the pack being after him.
– They obviously track him to Luna’s, and rather than throw Alcide under the bus, Sam confesses to the murder.
– He leaves with the hot naked lady (those abs!) so that they don’t hurt Luna or Emma, and the two saunter off into the night sans clothes or fur.
-The weres are torturing Sam when another Bon Temps redhead, who’s a doppelganger for Lea Thompson as of late, shows up and takes over. She’s Martha and she just wants Marcus’s body back so the pack can honour him. (Something tells us that won’t include dressing him in a suit and singing hymns.)
– More threats to Luna and Emma, and Sam folds.
The Trouble With Houseguests
– Holly’s boys come home from hunting bucks to find Andy buck naked asleep in bed with their mom, who got some Halloween Eve action. It’s awkward, but his butt is more shapely than we imagined.
– At Merlotte’s, Holly ignores Sheriff Andy—he should’ve sent flowers obviously.
– Terry and Arlene have a family breakfast with his marine buddy Patrick, and this stresses Terry out.
– When Arlene tells Patrick about how their house burned to the ground, Patrick does the slow, knowing gaze at Terry.
– Patrick confronts Terry about the fire but doesn’t buy Terry’s explanation about the nice ghost lady starting it.
– Turns out someone’s been lighting fires in all their old company men’s homes and two are now dead, and it’s all because of some night in Iraq. Wartime mystery alert!
– Terry does not want to help P.I. Private Patrick; he just wants to cook and chill.
Arlene’s guide to a demure cardigan
She may be staying at the Bellefleur manse where a sweater set is the safest bet, but Arlene can’t let go of her wild ways. She goes for a pastel animal print cardigan, and we’re sure she’d like this one from Mango ($50, mango.com) for the next brunch.
The Final Five Minutes
– The wolves dig Marcus out of the shallowest of shallow graves and are about to bury Sam in it when Luna shows up with Alcide, who announces he’s the one who offed Marcus.
– This makes him the new packmaster, but Alcide wants nothing to do with it.
– Martha, who turns out to be Marcus’s mama, is pissed. She turns into a wolf and begins eating Marcus’ entrails in what is the aforementioned honouring of the dead. Delightful.
– Before Bill and Eric can board their boat to freedom with their fake passports (Eric is now Jewish), the one true Vampire Authority captures them and Nora.
– Sookie and LaLa prep to greet Vampire Tara with some True Blood, but only Pam emerges with dirt in her bra.
– Sookie digs for Tara and finds her still face. Assuming the change didn’t work, she cries, and Lafayette, fresh from a pantry raid, is all sad too.
– Out bursts Tara, looking murderously at Sookie! Cut to black.
– Final Henley count: three (Bill, Sookie, Patrick).
Lafayette’s guide to cozy sweaters
If you’re going to raise your cousin from the dead as a member of the undead, you’re going to want to be comfortable, and we love Lafayette’s choice of a Nordic number that looks just like this Pendleton cardigan ($226, revolveclothing.com).
Catch new episodes of True Blood Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on HBO Canada.
